I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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