i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
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I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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