The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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