I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
