my sisters under your porch take her home
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
