I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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