What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Your penis caused this!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
