you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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