He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
