I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
