just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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