I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
