When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Mom said you looked used
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
