I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
