sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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