she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
