she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
