This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
