P.S. I can't hear my feet
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
