I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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