omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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