i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
