remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
