Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
