Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
