You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
