I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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