So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
