im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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