where am i from again
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
