Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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