I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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