you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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