I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
