If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
