I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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