So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
