Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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