Don't make out with my wife yet
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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