We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
