If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
