If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
