after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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