Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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