And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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