i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
