My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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