Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
