if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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