at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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