What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
