i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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