fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
