I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
