I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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