she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
