so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
A+ Viking dick
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