hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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