I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
