It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
